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We got our next application packet in the mail! Oh, my goodness! For about 5 minutes, I thought for the first time, "Do I REALLY want to do this???" The adoption education notebook itself is pages and pages of reflection on our lives, our adoption, our future plans. I did just one 2-page section and wrote about 4 pages in a notebook! What I've read so far has been very thought-provoking. It talks about the obvious losses our child will face, but also brings up losses we will have-I never thought of it in those terms before. We will forever lose the ability to be a "normal" American family. We will forever lose our present ability to be tucked neatly away in our own culture, if we would chose to do that (though I hope we wouldn't even without this experience). We will forever lose the security of knowing that all of our children know who they are and where they come from (in this world, anyway). We will forever lose the precious baby pictures and first word stories of infancy/toddlerhood. Some day, he or she may decide to go back to their birth country for weeks/months/years (Ethiopia isn't just a quick airplane jaunt away, you know!).
For so long, it's been a dream-an idealized picture of cuddling a cooing baby who might not look like his or her side, but who cares??? Though it doesn't change our intent, the gravity of it all, the reality that right now our little one could be utterly alone in this world and know it, the change in all of our lives that will occur over the next couple of years, is overwhelming.
But, in the end, it all comes back to one thing: We were called to do this. It seems so overwhelming right now, but we know we can rest in the truth that God created us to do this, that God is weaving our family together in a strange and wonderful way, and that he won't give us more than we can handle. We know the desire to do this is from Him, and we see new meaning in His words: "Love...always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." I Corinthians 13:7 He does this for us, we do this for each other, and we wait for the day we can show this kind of love to the one God is bringing into our family.
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It is overwhelming, and there is that side of it that brings tears...even now, I cry when I think of Caroline's mother and the price she paid in letting go. But God fills in all the gaps...I mourned...and sometimes still do...the loss of all the firsts...I missed an entire YEAR. But God has filled in the gaps, filled in the loss with love...it's SO worth it. And when the world reminds you of all that stuff...just remember that this child that will become part of your family was meant to be in your family from before time began...this was His plan for a fallen world. Okay, enough of my mantra...bear with the process! It's all good!
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